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HUMOUR, POEMS AND STORIES


GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1)No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2)When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3)If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4)Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5)You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6)Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7)Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8)You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9)Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10)The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1)Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2)Wrinkles don't hurt.
3)Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4)Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5)Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6)Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1)Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2)Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3)When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4)You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5)It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6)Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7)Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
1)You believe in Santa Claus.
2)You don't believe in Santa Claus..
3)You are Santa Claus.
4)You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS
at age 4 success is..not peeing your pants.
at age 12 success is..having friends.
at age 16 success is..having a drivers license.
at age 20 success is..having a girlfriend that thinks you a really good looking.
at age 35 success is..having money.
at age 50 success is..having money.
at age 60 success is..having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking.
at age 70 success is..having a drivers license.
at age 75 success is..having friends.
at age 80 success is..not peeing in your pants.



FRIENDS
Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you might not get them back. Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away. Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we forget what's right and wrong. Sometimes we just don't realize what real friendship means until it is too late.



Senior Citizens Are Valuable

We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:
1)We have silver in our hair.
2)We have gold in our teeth.
3)We have stones in our kidneys.
4)We have lead in our feet and ....
5)We are loaded with natural gas.


HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. the nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," she says. The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high. "Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"


LOTS MORE HUMOUR COMING.

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FRIENDS
Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, They share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Value your friendships.